I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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