I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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