Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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