having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
