Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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