so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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