to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize