I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
