What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
