Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
