I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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