Just fell off a train. Bad.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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