i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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