he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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