it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize