So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
