there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
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