i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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