You just made me feel so damn special
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize