remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
