if i can run in heels then i can drive
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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