I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
either way he was missing a nipple.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
