I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
