Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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