IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
