I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize