I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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