Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
babies were throwing up all over the place
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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