4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
