As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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