dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
