Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
