just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
