I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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