Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize