So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
