No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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