I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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