No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
