in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
We are all done wearing pants today
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
