woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
