I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize