is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
