You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
