How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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