So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
