Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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