you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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