we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I think people are normalizing furries
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
