I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Randomize
