Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize