got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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