i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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