true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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