i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
