I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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