Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
