i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
